Bear with me, oh faithful reader, as I expose myself (ahem) on a level which doesn’t often happen around here – I’m all for talking about my likes, but a little squirmier talking about the sexual things that I just don’t have a handle on yet. So to speak. Kind comments welcome, bashing will just make me cry, so be gentle, please. 🙂
As my regular readers undoubtedly remember, I am very ambivalent about receiving oral sex, though you might remember I love giving it. And how.
Well, truth be told, the ambivalence doesn’t just stem from the lack of friction. It also stems from a kind of “what is this the 50s? aren’t you an evolved sexual being?” thing that you really would never suspect from someone who has been writing and thinking and fantasizing about and at times even having sex over the past four years:
It’s icky.
Yes, yes, I know it’s not icky and I know I’m perfectly normal down there and I have heard and read about many men over the years who really, really love to do it, and even dated one or two who said the same thing. Although I understand all this intellectually, my visceral and emotional understanding is far different.
Part of it is the fact that you couldn’t pay me enough to do it. So it’s tough for me to imagine anyone enjoying it. Tough enough that it took me many tries to be able to write about it even partially convincingly in my erotic stories.
I have tried to get over myself about it, really, I have. But I tense up and it feels weird and I just cannot seem to relax about it. Which, really, would be all fine – I mean, not everyone has to like every act – but the idea turns me on like crazy. Reading about it is hugely erotic for me. It’s just when a man starts to head south that everything tenses up and I find myself wishing I were somewhere else.
Which, of course, also leads to it taking for-freaking-ever for me to come, if at all. I have managed over my lifetime to have a few orgasms this way, but they were always shallow and not very satisfying, and yes, I know it’s because I’m all tense about it. Shh.
I also face the awkwardness of trying to explain this to new partners. Over the years, the easiest explanation has been best – when their lips head south of my nipples, I just touch their hair, get their attention, tell them I’m not really into that, and slide my mouth down to their cock instead.
Of course, it doesn’t help that a few of the men I’ve told about this were all like, “Well, baby, you just haven’t had oral sex from me – I’ll make you cum so hard you pass out.” Ooo-kay. No pressure. If anything, this just makes me more nervous about it. I remember one spectacular failure several years ago in particular – I felt absolutely nothing. If someone had told me that I was paralyzed from the waist down, I don’t know that I would have doubted them.
I wish it were not the case. I’d love to be able to enjoy that act as much as I enjoy others.
I’ve discussed this with a couple of male friends over the years, and the general consensus is that perhaps I just need to be forced into it – and not for the purpose of orgasm, but just for the purpose of experiencing it. Not force like rape, mind you. Force as in tied up and spread open and tormented for a while.
The idea of being allowed to experience it without the pressure of imminent or eventual orgasm is an intriguing one. It would certainly take a lot of the pressure off. Ditto to the being tied up.
But my biggest problem is how to ask for this. How on earth do you approach a partner about it – especially when every man says he’s into it and not every man is telling the truth about that? I have no desire to gross a partner out by asking that he *force* me to like receiving something he may not even like to do? Really, the idea is so embarassing it makes me want to hide under the covers just thinking about it.
Oh, yes, gentle reader, I realize this indicates a far greater amount of paranoia than you generally see from me. See, I’m a girl too sometimes, full of the wiggins that come along with it. I just keep it hidden most of the time.
So, there you have it. I don’t expect you guys to solve my little issue, but I thought you’d get a chuckle out of knowing – and plus, it felt damn good to get it out in the open once and for all.
Vicki:
As always, I love your writing, especially how open you are. This one must have been tough to write. I know I’d have a tough time with a lover who didn’t want me to put my mouth on her. It might even make me less likely to want to be sucked myself. [hmmm] . . . well, I said “might”.
As to your self-suggestion of a way to break through your barrier, I’m sure you will suggest that to the next guy. If you can tell us, Vikki, you can tell *him*.
In the meantime, here’s a poem that you just might like – it’s by a poet, writer and playwright who lives not far from where you and I live. I think it might touch you. See: http://www.skyedragon.com/lily.html
Thanks to all for your responses. Honestly, I’m not trying to be selfish by “denying” someone the “pleasure” of doing this to me. I hope that’s clear, at least!
And foo, I love your suggestion. Damn. Worked for me – at least, in the reading. 🙂
I know! You find the right guy. And one of your readers will: 1) verify that he actually enjoys licking love muffins; 2) broach the subject of bondage and forcing in a general way; and 3) script a scene in which said mutual fantasy plays out to everyone’s (yes, that means you, too) satisfaction.
I don’t know how you get past it. My partner thinks it’s icky, too— but is very glad I don’t think it’s icky. That’s where you need to go.
Hmmm, as a male, if i don’t want to perform fellatio, how could I want to accept it? Something about that line of thinking seems odd….
What if you were with a guy who got off on it as much as you get off on giving it to a guy? Sorry, well, you can’t have that pleasure of giving, now let me give to you instead? Again, it seems odd.
And its not likely to be anything you can “argue intellectually” with yourself either.
No answers, not even very good questions…
Dgou
I certainly understand the wanting to be
“forced”. Perhaps your lover could give
you a good hard spanking and then tie you
up, legs spread. Then you would have no
choice but to get licked and sucked.
Perhaps he could tell you that if you came
he would untie you, put you over his knee,
hold you firmly and paddle you until you
cry. So you would have the threat of
punishment for cumming while he licked you
(of course he might not follow through with
this threat – he might simply fuck you hard).
I think it is great. you know what you like. My wife of fifteen years is the exact opposite, she only cums hard with oral stimulation, and she hates to give it, much to my dismay. We have had fifteen years to work on this, I have tried everything I could think of and it just ain’t gonna change. It becomes more than a sex act after a while, it becomes an argument of “if I do this, then you should do that” & nobody wins. The solution is I just use a gay male friends mouth. and we all are alot happier. She don’t have to, I don’t try to make her, and my gay friend has plenty of ____.
I understand this totally I feel the same way but with guys I can’t do it when alot of woman seem to love it… I feel bad about not giving it… if you can get over recieving it from a guy maybe I can learn to like giving it to a guy… you’re inspiring
Vicki:
I just want to say thank you. You’ve summed up exactly how I feel; I could never quite get the words together to explain it. Now, I can just link over here when a guy needs more explanation than I can give.
Thanks!
First, thank you for sharing. We all have our little anti-fetishes: those things that for some reason or another just turn us off / gross us out, and that we’re ashamed to admit.
Second, I couldn’t help but notice how even talking about it, you’re almost apologetic to your readers (particularly in your response above and in the next posting). Of course, there’s no need to be apologetic.
What it makes me wonder is whether a good first step would be to become more comfortable talking about it. If you can get to the point where you don’t feel weird and embarrassed talking about it, that would be a much better place from which to start dealing with the act itself.
Third, it almost seems like you put a lot of pressure on yourself that you should enjoy it. Who says you need to change that at all? I’m of the opinion that everyone enjoys what they enjoy, and doesn’t enjoy what they don’t. That’s what makes us interesting and unique from each other. Just accept that it isn’t going to make you come, and make sure that who you are with understands that.
As for men trying to fix you, that will have a lot to do with how you tell them about it. If you tell them in an apologetic way or a “gee, I wish I could, but I can’t” way, then of course, even the kind of man you want is going to get the idea that you’d be so grateful if they could help you, and start thinking of ways they can help. If you tell them in a matter-of-fact way that you’re just not into it, and that it doesn’t do a thing for you, and you’re fine with that, then it becomes a nice litmus test. Sure, even the good ones may try it once, just to see… just relax, and tell them nicely and playfully that it’s putting you out of the mood “keep that up and we’ll be playing scrabble in a few minutes… on the other hand, if you…” and then guide them to what you *want* them to do. The good ones will respect you and find other ways to please you. The ones who insist on “curing” you or get upset, etc., etc…. those you show to the door (before or after you finish depends on how good a lay they are).
And if you do find someone who is ok with just leaving you alone down there (orally, that is), then, when you’re feeling like you want to experiment with it, you can let them know and they can try it out without there being so much pressure or uncertainty. That might help relieve some of the insecurity.
And finally, a quick response to Fazy… Stop feeling bad… perhaps try learning some good handjob techniques that send him through the roof. Gradually add in some light tongue play to the extent that you are comfortable (and if that’s just licking his neck, then so be it). Learn to take him right to the edge and hold him there. You’ll teach him pretty quickly to appreciate what you can do rather than focus on what you don’t like to do… and then you’re free to try out the oral at your own pace, or not at all.
Sorry for this being so long… it just drives me crazy that we’re all (myself included) stuck on these little things that we don’t like or don’t want to do, etc. That shouldn’t be what sex is about. Sex should be about enjoying each other, learning what makes each other tick, and accepting ourselves and each other for who we really are.
Hello.
Your article prompted so many thoughts in my head, I am not sure I will be able to get them out articulately. I’m not the best writer…
First, let me just second all the other people who applauded your courage in writing this article.
My first reaction is unfortunately stereotypical and “male”. “How can she not like that when I like doing it so much and it ‘seems’ to be so effective at causing orgasm?” But, I now understand from your writing why that is not really relevant. You see, for my wife and I, that is my all-time favorite activity. I just can’t imagine not being able to put my face down there. I won’t get unecessarily graphic, but let’s just say it is a big turn-on for me and I am very glad my wife lets me do it and enjoys it while it do it. I have to admit that I would be very dissapointed if my wife told me one day that she didn’t like it and didn’t want me to do it anymore. Now, I am NOT trying to induce guilt in you for not liking it, although I apologize if that is the way this sounds. I am just telling you, somewhat ashamedly, about my initial reaction to your comments, because it is highly relevant to my 2nd reaction, described below.
After my initial reaction, I suddenly realized that I don’t like to receive oral sex either! I never let my wife “return the favor”. However, somewhat interestingly, this has never bothered me. I don’t feel non-functional nor have I worried that I am depriving her of something she might want to do. She often wants to do it and I let her, but I just don’t get off on it. So, we then switch to something else and then I have no problem being turned on.
All I can do is confess that I am just now realizing that she might be just as dissapointed in my lack of interest in receiving oral sex as I know I would be if she expressed the same sentiment. And, I’ve got to think about that for awhile.
I don’t know why I don’t like receiving oral sex and I have never really cared. All I can say is that I want to see the woman, touch her, rub her, talk to her, etc. and that is difficult while she is doing that. I know that most of those things are still possible to do with the appropriate position (e.g. ’69’), but it doesn’t work for me. I don’t know why. I guess I always assumed that it doesn’t matter that I don’t like to get oral sex since, according to popular culture, most women don’t like to do it.
Oh, well. Just my ramblings. I wanted to let you know that your article got me thinking. Thanks for writing it and sharing your feelings.
Quipu
As noted by the other comments, it takes a great deal of courage to address such a delicate subject (no pun intended, but there none-the-less), and you should be, and have been, applauded.
That said, you should take comfort in something that I read in your post. I think you really want to experience great cunnilingus. That is the biggest hurdle. Some I have known simply don’t have the need. However, you have some barriers that prevent you allowing yourself to relax and simply letting it happen.
One that you mentioned was not having the proper experiences/boyfriends in the formative years. That is, of course, possible and most likely a significant contributor. However, I would offer another hypothesis. Perhaps, you are wired to be too much as a giver and not as much as receiver. Being on the receiving end can be construed as being selfish, while performing the act of fellatio is viewed as very giving. It may be very hard for you to be able to sit back and enjoy the ride because you may feel that you are not actively giving to your partner’s experience.
I could be way off, and if I am, simply shit-can the advice I am about to offer. But if not, read on.
I, for one, am one of those males that, honest and for true, love to perform. Love it, love it, love it. But, I love it for absolutely selfish reasons. To me, it is about power, specifically the power to impart pleasure to the woman who is willing to receive. I don’t know why, but it is the absolute greatest thrill to have a woman writhing in pleasure from a well placed flick of the tongue or well timed suckle. The scent alone can drive my mind to frenzy. Its a power trip. Its very heady stuff.
So, perhaps you need to change the point of view in your approach. Your not, first and foremost, receiving pleasure, but allowing your lover the opportunity to feel and contribute to the power of your body. The pleasure you receive is secondary to what you give. It may give you the proper perspective that allows you to relax and then “enjoy the ride”.
I’m new to this site, but I did find this interesting. My wife never liked either giving or getting oral sex. She let me ‘do’ her once in a while because I like to, but she found it icky also, but I also don’t get off on oral sex on the receiving end, I just don’t. So we did other stuff and we both had orgasm generally, and it was fine. I know of all sorts of guys who think they are god’s gift to women (I’ve get 5 sisters who’ve told me stories…), so just say no, and when you feel like trying again with a partner you trust, then try again. No big deal. Nice site BTW, with good topics, well discussed.
You rock. Thank you for confessing. I only had one man bring me to a big orgasm by oral sex and he was impotent. Go figure. I’m usually only satified with penetration. I feel the same guilt as you do from time to time. As I get older tho, I find that any kind of sex guilt poisons my whole sex life, and I feel that I have a duty, to me, and my partner, to concentrate on what I enjoy. We are all individuals, thank God, sex preferences included. I now can have little orgasms (I class them on a bell curve, from comforting ripples to truly soul shattering ejaculations) during cunnilingus. Here’s how I came into them:
1. I don’t just lay on my back and open my legs. I CLOSE my legs and make him lick between my lips. Feels much more intimate and naughty to me. Spreading my legs and just lying there reminds me of my gynecological appointments. Yuck. And boring.
2. I move around A LOT. I lie on my side, curve my head towards my feet, backwards, and sort of raise my pelvis into the air sideways. I find that tensing my muscles all over in some sort of physical effort greatly increases my pleasure. If I’m not working during sex, I just doesn’t make me hot. Literally, haha. Also, standing up with my legs closed or slightly open while being tasted makes me pretty happy 😉 The sight of a man on his knees, just trying to get in there…well…it’s goooood, girl.
3. The tongue alone doesn’t impress me. Multiple sensations just send me into outer space. Licking plus stroking plus penetration with the hands is essential. A vibrator is great in that situation too. Have him just gently poke it in and out while he licks your clit, and if you like penetration a lot, get him to give you a good shagging with it while still licking. Or just have him leave it in, without moving it.
Well, those are my tips to you. I hope you might consider trying them. In the meantime, relax! Enjoy! Be the gorgeous sex siren you really are! Good girl!
Well, as you’ve been so honest…
I love cunnilingus. There’s nothing like the feeling of a tongue slowly torturing you to orgasm. I can’t get enough of it.
Here’s something I’ve never told anyone. Anonymity is great! lol
One of my favourite fantasies is being grabbed by 2 men who eat me for as long as they want to, forcing me to come over and over again. One sucking my tits and the other greedily devouring me. After I come for the first time, they swap positions. They lick and suck me until I am exhausted. I tell them I can’t take anymore and they tell me that I’m going to have to.
I detest rape – it is a disgusting crime, and is not related to my fantasy in any way. In reality, of course, all this would be horrendous.
Sometimes I imagine that I am dragged into a van by several guys. They calm me by telling me they won’t rape me hurt me in any way. They all take turns tonguefucking me, sucking my tits. The other guys cheer and tell whoever is eating me to just carry on.
After I have come several times, I beg them to let me rest. They tell me to just enjoy and again I feel a long tongue forcing me to orgasm.
Once I have come in all these mouths, they watch while their dog licks me. Then they start all over again.
Not realistic of course! But as it is a fantasy, what the hell.
It’s all in your head. Sounds like anxiety to me. I hate getting a new cunnilingus partner because they all cum with the same lame lines like you’ve stated. “You just need to let ME lick it” and I’m like “whatever” because it’s hard to reach orgasm with someone new. They always expect me to bust one in five minutes flat! It just doesn’t work that way.
I just started telling them to be patient so I don’t catch a mental blockage worrying about if their mouth hurts or not. Then I lay back, reflect on my favorite dirty novel/porn video/fantasy, wait to catch the groove then my body starts to naturally grind on his/her face until I climax.
Just relax.