psa: the clitoris

I don’t know if this is the same for every woman, so bear with me. A random sampling of my girlfriends made up this argument in the form of Public Service Announcement; your results may vary with other women.

We’ve all heard the bit of truism that says lovers tend to touch each other’s genitals (at least at first glance) in the way that they themselves would like to be touched. I’ve tested this bit of wisdom against many of my (and my girlfriends’) past relationships and found it to be generally accurate. First time you hop in the sack, girls tend to want to touch the penis beside them very gently. In other words, for most men, Not Hard Enough. And most men, by contrast, touch the clitoris very firmly. In other words, for the women I’ve spoken to about this, Too Damn Hard.

And so, Vikki’s absolutely unscientific tips for touching the clitoris.

1. Firmness

Let’s assume a scale of 1 to 10 here. Think of it as a stereo volume dial. At 1, you’re touching her so very lightly you can barely feel her against your fingertips. Like how you’d stroke a newborn baby’s eyelids. At 10, you’re touching her just as hard as you’d ever imagined touching a woman there.

With that scale in mind, we’ve found via our random sampling that a great many men start at about 8.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

For the most part, 8 is going to be far too hard for any time but about six to fifty seconds before climax, or during more strenuous activity like full-out fucking. First of all, if you start at 8, what on earth are you going to build up to? And with women’s bodies, it’s most definitely all about “building up to”. And secondly, if you start at this level, it may not just be uncomfortable but actively painful. The kind of painful that makes us lose all desire to be touched down there for a while. Guys, it’s akin to when your cock bends the wrong way during sex. Ow.

Yes. That bad, at least for some women.

We have this lovely scale in out minds, yes? Let’s use it. Start with 1. Spend some time there. Enjoy the scenery.

Then progress to 2. Et cetera.

A big hint for guys: with a regular tempo, and following the other guidelines below, a lot of women (myself included) can come to orgasm with only a #2 touch. What’s more, sometimes those orgasms are more powerful and body-rocking than ones accomplished with a firmer touch.

So remember: newborn baby’s eyelids. Would you press your finger down there? Of course not. And so it goes with the clitoris.

2. Location, location, location

Knowing where to touch can be just as important as knowing how to touch. And before you jump salty on me and say “of course I know where to touch!”, keep reading.

The clitoris, as I’ve said before, has more nerve fibers than any other part of the body – male or female. 8,000 nerve fibers all screamingly close to the surface. Thankfully, this incredibly sensitive little bugger is covered by a clitoral hood. That’s the little “hood” of flesh that is over the “button” of the clitoris.

The clitoris extends up underneath the clitoral hood by at least a finger-length in most women, kind of like a tiny penis.

Hey. Did you notice I said finger-length here? That’s a hint!

Generally, a lot of women find the clitoris itself (the “button”) far, far too sensitive to be touched most of the time, even at the height of arousal. Stimulation on that spot can vary from very intense to uncomfortable to downright painful.

If we think of the clitoris and hood as your nose, for just a moment… touching the very bridge of the nose can be highly pleasurable. Ditto with the sides of the nose, the little creases on either side. But you want to avoid touching the tip of the nose. You don’t even want to get near it unless your lady asks for it. Think a good finger-width higher up, and you’re getting into safer territory.

And don’t forget, newborn baby eyelids. Would you want a woman to grind your balls up into your pubic bone?

3. Moisture

Moisture is the next most important thing. Don’t even think of going near the clitoris without wet fingers. The closest thing I could liken it to is this: would you want your woman to shove a finger or two up your ass without lube? No? Same thing applies here. The clitoris is just far too sensitive to be touched dry, most of the time. It hurts, fellas.

Luckily, Mother Nature provided a repository of lube nearby for you, all handy and everything, no external lube required, most of the time. Yes. Just move those fingers a little lower first, dip ever so lightly into the very entrance of her pussy, and you’ll likely get all the lube you need. There are exceptions of course – if she’s not turned on enough yet, there won’t be much, and some women just don’t manufacture that much lube on their own. Ask your lady when in doubt. She may just happily pass you a bottle of her favourite lube, or ask for a little more playtime first.

Regular and careful re-applications of this moisture are also important. If you’re down there playing for a while, her clit and your fingers may get dry again. Make sure you keep everything smooth and slippery. You can never be too rich, too thin, or have too much lubrication.

4. Tempo

Luckily, boys, we’re a lot like you in this department, so this stuff is easier to figure out. We need a regular tempo to get off. It doesn’t have to be blindingly, finger-painfully fast. It just needs to be steady. Again, even very light (#2) pressure with wet fingers and a slow, steady tempo is enough to take a lot of women over the edge.

Steady is the key. Mixing it up, when you’re learning her body, is one thing. But when she’s getting close to orgasm (and again, if you’re not sure – ASK!), you need to keep a steady rhythm. It does not have to be as fast as you pump yourself when you’re jerking off. Or even close to that. A slow steady tempo is much more effective than irregular bursts of a faster tempo.

And men, if she says “oh, god, don’t stop” – do exactly what you’re doing. Please don’t stop, or change direction, or change tempo, or firmness.

So there you have it, one completely unscientific look at how to touch a woman. Yes, there are some women who want or need more things, or different ones, than the techniques described above. But this is a very safe primer that should work for most women at first. If they need more, they’ll tell you.

Or as always, feel free to ask them!